Gone are the days when we'd blindly follow. When we'd go with the flow. When we'd gladly open our doors and let the Avon lady in. Now, everything's a scam. And whatever isn't a scam is something that will give you cancer, early onset Alzheimer's, or just death. We're afraid of people at our doors, additives in our foods and dust mites in our beds.

(As a sidenote, if I NEVER see magnified pictures of dust mites again, it will be too soon. )

Remember when no one knew anything about medicine? If you were in a bad mood, you got over it. If you were sick, you went to the family doctor. If you weren't that sick, you went to the pharmacy. If your leg fell off, then you got worried. If a band-aid didn’t fit over it, maybe you'd call someone. Most people didn't live past 40, but we accepted it.

In the 'good old days,' you weren't sure how Tylenol worked, and you didn't really know why that gross pink liquid always made your ear infections go away. The doctor knew it all. And we liked it that way. The only home medicating Mom ever did was Chicken Soup,and maybe some Vicks Vaporub on your chest. Remember that? We were dumb. And we were happy.

Thanks to all these damn medical sites, now we know too much. Now, when the doctor tells you you have heartburn, you'll debate with him that it's a myocardial infarction (heart attack). Never mind the seven years of school and that medical degree hanging on the wall, Chachi. You read something on WebMD during your lunch hour.

It's a sad state of affairs. Not only do we know how Tylenol works, but most of us can probably list the benefits of acetaminophen vs. ibuprofen. People can now walk in and ask the doctor for specific prescription drugs because they saw a commercial for 'em on TV. And nowadays, chicken soup as a remedy is laughable. Not because it doesn't make you feel better (which it does), but because of the sodium content, the unrefined flour in the pasta, and what the chickens were fed where they were raised. For crying out loud, I've even watched open heart surgery on the Discovery Channel.

And heaven help you if you're in a bad mood. Now, thanks to the Internet, you can self-diagnose yourself with clinical depression or bipolar disorder. Then you can click right over to vitamins.com and get yourself some Ginko Biloba, St. John's Wort, and Ginseng to make you feel better.

Ginko biloba? Sounds more like a Pokemon than a vitamin. And why in the hell would I put something in my mouth called St. John's Wort? What's next, St. Mary's Eye of Newt? Somebody at GNC is peeing their pants laughing at us all.

Yes, information is power, but you don't just put power into the hands of every Tom, Dick, or hypochondriac.

Sure, we could all be eating healthier, exercising more, and not buying stereo equipment off the back of trucks. But if doing all that stuff makes us miserable, what are we gaining?

You see, what people seem to be missing is that for every Medical Web site, article, or story on the news, you'll find one that tells you the opposite. Doctor number one starts the sugarbusters diet. Doctor number two says that sugar is good for you. Doctor number three has an entire diet based on sugar. HUH? How healthy are you? Depends on how many channels you have.

But whatever it is, something's working. We know more than we ever did before. And we're actually a little healthier. Now they're saying that we'll be living longer than previous generations. Just think, giving up sweets and preservatives and all the fatty stuff that tastes good, just so we can all live to be 114.

Yeah. That's fun. Having my diaper changed and forgetting my own name. Thinking: Maybe I should have taken more Ginko.

That's the rant.

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Copyright 2001 by Kwame DeRoche' ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. SUBSCRIBE FREE! Just e-mail kwamrants-subscribe@yahoogroups.com or visit http://groups.yahoo.com/group/kwamrants

Kwame DeRoche may be contacted at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/kwamrants Kwamster@columnist.com. Click here to view more of their articles.
I'm a 27-year-old Advertising/Marketing Senior Writer with a slightly skewed perception of the world. I've been writing my rants since early 1999. They're humorous brain-dumps, all about relationships, TV, movies, driving to work...you know, LIFE. And as long as humans are humans, I'll always have something to write about. See more or subscribe at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/kwamrants